As both a learner and a teacher , I believe that there are better ways to measure one's achievements than standardized testing. I personally think that an improvement should be highly praised as much as an achievement deserves because that means one is making advancement no matter how little it is rather than being on a stand-still or worse, taking a few steps backwards.
In my whole life, (until now) I have shed tears over 4 exams. The fourth being the most recent one, that is today. The 4 different situations with the same tears but not for the same reason.
The first time I cried over an exam was when I was 12. I had sat for my first National exam -UPSR. I recall being a kid without much care in the world back then. Come on, I was just 12. What does test results mean to me? Not much until I was told that I could get sent to a bad school if I did badly in the exam. I was a confident child. I don't even remember studying very hard. I just knew that somehow, I managed to sail through my elementary school years smoothly. So going back to the scenario when I was given my test results. I managed to get all As except for one. It was a horrible mark that scarred me for the rest of my life.
'D'
Though it doesn't seem that frightening here, it was for me back then especially when the unfortunate subject was Malay. It was the essay section that reached out its rotting fingers and pulled me down into the abyss of failure. Why did it meant so much in that particular subject, you might ask. Well, any student who fails Malay will have to stay behind one year in remedial class.
ONE FREAKIN' WHOLE YEAR!!!
That was a huge blow to my confidence. For a kid that never knew life was not all about sunshine, rainbow and butterflies, this was the thunderstorm that woke me up into reality with its blast of thunder. The possible consequences of this failure were to go to a school where it was rumoured to be reigned by gangster students, join the remedial class and watch all my friends either going to private schools or being in a one-level up class. Tears came pouring down as I was doing the graduation day cleaning and no assuring words of my friends' or teachers' could comfort me. So this was the Tears of Fear. Fear of being left behind. (Luckily, a twist of fate happened and I was given a second chance and escaped the fate of being in remedial class.)
The second time I cried over exams was 7 years later. This time it was not very different. I was taking STPM, the infamous exam which used to be the hardest exam in the world. By the time I was taking it, it was no longer, let's say, in its prime. However, that did not change a thing. It was still by far the hardest exam I had ever taken in my life. Chemistry, Biology and the dreadful Mathematics were my constant nightmare during my years in Form 6.
Even before I have received my test results, I was already in despair and had predicted the outcome with a heavy heart. When I'd finally received the results, the tears just kept falling not because I did terribly in the exam( which in fact, I did) but because I was so upset about being bad at the subjects that I was required to be good at ( I used to dream of pursuing bio-med and science-related career. ) and regretful about not trying harder.
Another big reason I was distraught over my results was the fact that I was ruining the chances of myself going into college. For someone like me, public university is the only way for me to receive higher education because my parents won't be able to pay for college. So it was during this time that another twist of fate occurred. I was blessed yet again and was given a second shot at something I didn't realized I enjoy. Teaching. So, the second tears were Tears of Regret.
And we move on to the third...Now I'm in the States attending Grad School, living a dream that I'd never imagined would come true. It is my first semester of Grad school. I knew it was going to be tough but I knew I have to do well. This is what I've been waiting for and to not do well would be an insult to my dream and aspiration.
I was doing okay until I came upon Syntax- The hardest subject I've encountered in this semester. It is infamous for its intimidating trees and theories and lots of my course mates were equally afraid of Syntax. Honestly, I enjoy learning Syntax even though it is something so alien and intriguing to me that I felt intimidated by the sheer appearance of the trees. So everything was going fine until the midterm in October when I was sitting there in my class, staring at my exam questions, mind all blank from panicking. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as others around me scribbled vigorously on their papers. I thought I had made sufficient preparation for the exam. I was studying nights and days, going to the library and making mind-maps. Why Oh Why then when I stare at the questions on the paper, nothing make sense? Nothing came out. My pencil had almost drilled a hole through the paper from the pressure I was feeling.
When the exam was over, I couldn't think and focus on what my Professor was teaching. I felt light-headed. When I got home, I broke down just like that. Tears all gushing out like a broken tap. I was crying because I didn't know what went wrong. Crying because I felt I've already disappointed everyone who's put so much at stack for me- my parents, my aunts, my uncles, my professors, the professor who got me here and most of all, I've disappointed myself.
That was the Tears of Disappointment. I have carried my family's expectations on my shoulder and it was wearing me down. My dearest mother told me that it was all in my head. The pressure and the expectations. All I wanted to do was to do well but the fear of past failures haunts me. I don't wish for A but I wish for a grade that is compatible to my efforts. And this time I felt my efforts was wasted due to my momentary panic.
And now we have reached the last story and it's the AWESOMEST thing so far in Fall 2011. Unlike the past cryings, this one was actually Tears of Joy and Disbelief! I was expecting I would improve in my second exam, the finals but I didn't know it would be such an improvement that would shocked even myself~!! All that anxiety and sleepless nights were paid off. The best thing of all was having my professor acknowledged my efforts. It was kind of embarrassing when I couldn't stop my tears in front of her. Thanks to her, I now know I am studying in the right direction and rote-memorization is no longer the route to success. I'm also thankful to the past failures so I could continuously grow and improve along the way. After walking out of Reavis Hall, I couldn't wipe that smile off my face while walking all the way home.I was coming close to skipping and humming like a love-drunk fool.
Now for the Legendary picture!!! I even considered framing this exam!
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